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whyyyy do i keep on getting all these ridiculously self destructive feelings?! its like i LIKE CHICAGO. yes i am bored often but my roommates are great genuine people who dont have drug problems and if i was less shy im sure i would be having a ball or some shit.

i miss boston a lot and like some gross part of me is hoping that when i go back for break everyone will treat me the same and i'll be going to revere to pick up a blue and nodding out in someones bed. too bad only like two of my friends from back home GIVE A FUCK about me. i spent like three years of my motherfucking life attached to the hip with this kid and he can't find the fucking time to respond to my goddamn calls? its just soooo much bullshit. i miss how accessible everything was in boston, i needed a blue, i got a blue, i needed some weed, i got some weed. it like wasnt even a question. i was gonna get it. and its like obviously its so much better for me to be here instead of there because i dont want to become a junkie like everyone else but at the same time its sucks because some sick part of me feels like im missing out even though im REALLY not.

ughhhh and i feel like i dont know how to talk to people or make friends because i dont remember how to be a normal person. all of the friends i made in boston we had like this immediate connection cause we were doing pills + smoking weed its not like we lacked in things to talk about or really had to find some sort of ~common connection~ but obviously i need to find a way to make more genuine friendships and its hard and weird.

i dont wanna deal with the consequences of going home cause either way it would suck. even though i would really be better off if they didnt contact me at all over break thinking about it just breaks my heart. i knew it was all based on drugs and shit but i thought maybe there was more to it? i guess i was wronggg and now im just left here fiending every couple of months and having a REALLY difficult time finding weed on the weekends which is BULLSHIT cause im in fucking college but whatever!

i've had a lot of good people tell me they are so happy im in college, i seem so much better, etc and most of the time i do feel better. i just wish i had more to do here so i wouldnt wallow so much but of course that would involve actually leaving my apartment so i guess its never gonna happen

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July 2006


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