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I've always been an extremely lazy person and you kind of get away with that until high school. My parents had pretty high hopes for me and of course, they were frustrated that I never did my school work or anything at all really. I stopped going to school when I was like 15-16 and I kind of just never went back. During that time I basically turned into a little punk and until I moved to Chicago I was on my way to becoming a junkie. All of my friends back home are junkies, and when I say junkie I don't mean they smoke mad blunts. Junkies as in they should get their ass on some suboxone, pawning their grandmas gold kinda shit. Now I'm like trying hard in school, not as hard as I should be trying but I'm still trying you know? And sometimes I wonder..did my years of drug use help me in some way or would I be more successful today if I hadn't. In some ways I feel like I would have never left Boston if I hadn't been SO miserable and so disgusted with myself. Like maybe if i I hadn't turned into a crackhead I'd be chilling at massbay barely passing my classes. But at the same time maybe I would have made all the discoveries I made now but much earlier.. I'm not really sure. I guess it doesn't matter cause I am where I am. You know how they say your as old as you are when you started using? I feel like that rings really true to me because I feel SIXTEEN you know? Like I feel sixteen. I spend a lot of time wondering, how different would my life be if I hadn't started getting fucked up every day so young? Coming to Chicago and like, being completely sober for two months was totally nuts but totally great? Its just so strange because I know being sober is like the best thing for me and the way I'll be the happiest but sometimes I just wanna go back home. Theres like this weird exclusiveness to that sort of drug problem I miss. Like me and my bestie are going to the bathroom to do these drugs and anyone who looks at us weird IS A FUCKING LOSER. And I'm not gonna lie, my excessive drug use made me a shit ton of friends and I just met a lot of interesting people.

This is what I mean about 16 I guess. Its weird how I can glamorize that part of my life even though it was really fucking sad. Towards the end I wasn't even partying hard or anything I was just passing the fuck out constantly.


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