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I've always been an extremely lazy person and you kind of get away with that until high school. My parents had pretty high hopes for me and of course, they were frustrated that I never did my school work or anything at all really. I stopped going to school when I was like 15-16 and I kind of just never went back. During that time I basically turned into a little punk and until I moved to Chicago I was on my way to becoming a junkie. All of my friends back home are junkies, and when I say junkie I don't mean they smoke mad blunts. Junkies as in they should get their ass on some suboxone, pawning their grandmas gold kinda shit. Now I'm like trying hard in school, not as hard as I should be trying but I'm still trying you know? And sometimes I wonder..did my years of drug use help me in some way or would I be more successful today if I hadn't. In some ways I feel like I would have never left Boston if I hadn't been SO miserable and so disgusted with myself. Like maybe if i I hadn't turned into a crackhead I'd be chilling at massbay barely passing my classes. But at the same time maybe I would have made all the discoveries I made now but much earlier.. I'm not really sure. I guess it doesn't matter cause I am where I am. You know how they say your as old as you are when you started using? I feel like that rings really true to me because I feel SIXTEEN you know? Like I feel sixteen. I spend a lot of time wondering, how different would my life be if I hadn't started getting fucked up every day so young? Coming to Chicago and like, being completely sober for two months was totally nuts but totally great? Its just so strange because I know being sober is like the best thing for me and the way I'll be the happiest but sometimes I just wanna go back home. Theres like this weird exclusiveness to that sort of drug problem I miss. Like me and my bestie are going to the bathroom to do these drugs and anyone who looks at us weird IS A FUCKING LOSER. And I'm not gonna lie, my excessive drug use made me a shit ton of friends and I just met a lot of interesting people.

This is what I mean about 16 I guess. Its weird how I can glamorize that part of my life even though it was really fucking sad. Towards the end I wasn't even partying hard or anything I was just passing the fuck out constantly.
I know that in order for me to like feel truly comfortable with myself I have to be open with others about me being gay but its just so hard. I've spent so much of my life feeling different and now I feel like I usually fit in? Theres just this comfortableness in pretending to be straight that I don't want to let go of. Still, its time to figure it out because I don't wanna be like this foreverrr. I'm privileged enough to have friends and family that don't care. Guess I just have to work on myself. I didn't think I'd be 20 years old and still having such a hard time with it.
ur gay and its ok
whyyyy do i keep on getting all these ridiculously self destructive feelings?! its like i LIKE CHICAGO. yes i am bored often but my roommates are great genuine people who dont have drug problems and if i was less shy im sure i would be having a ball or some shit.

i miss boston a lot and like some gross part of me is hoping that when i go back for break everyone will treat me the same and i'll be going to revere to pick up a blue and nodding out in someones bed. too bad only like two of my friends from back home GIVE A FUCK about me. i spent like three years of my motherfucking life attached to the hip with this kid and he can't find the fucking time to respond to my goddamn calls? its just soooo much bullshit. i miss how accessible everything was in boston, i needed a blue, i got a blue, i needed some weed, i got some weed. it like wasnt even a question. i was gonna get it. and its like obviously its so much better for me to be here instead of there because i dont want to become a junkie like everyone else but at the same time its sucks because some sick part of me feels like im missing out even though im REALLY not.

ughhhh and i feel like i dont know how to talk to people or make friends because i dont remember how to be a normal person. all of the friends i made in boston we had like this immediate connection cause we were doing pills + smoking weed its not like we lacked in things to talk about or really had to find some sort of ~common connection~ but obviously i need to find a way to make more genuine friendships and its hard and weird.

i dont wanna deal with the consequences of going home cause either way it would suck. even though i would really be better off if they didnt contact me at all over break thinking about it just breaks my heart. i knew it was all based on drugs and shit but i thought maybe there was more to it? i guess i was wronggg and now im just left here fiending every couple of months and having a REALLY difficult time finding weed on the weekends which is BULLSHIT cause im in fucking college but whatever!

i've had a lot of good people tell me they are so happy im in college, i seem so much better, etc and most of the time i do feel better. i just wish i had more to do here so i wouldnt wallow so much but of course that would involve actually leaving my apartment so i guess its never gonna happen

I'll erase the memories

Okayyyyyyy! I have two jobs right now, because I somehow snagged a job at white house black market! You might be wondering, how did a highschool drop out get two jobs? Yeah, I don't know either lol. Hilarious that starmarket rejected me but I got hired at a mall and Harvard. But then again I made the mistake of being completely honest at starmarket! Guess I've learned my lesson. But yeah white house black market is really really hard. I consider myself pretty outgoing but I get so scared approaching customers and whbm is like INSANE when it comes to selling and shit. Also the register is ridiculous, I'm hoping I get used to it/better or something. The discounts 40% which is okay, and 10% off sale items which fucking sucks. Basically I cant afford anything from there with my discount and with two jobs but whatever, the clothes are kinda fug anyways.

I'm just trying to get up from the stupidity of my years here. I feel so stupid, I wasted so much time. I've been doing better than usualllll. I mean I go to both of my jobs regularly? It sounds dumb, I know but this is actually a huge accomplishment for me. I mean I couldn't even make it to school everyday. Sadly, I can't really remember a time I was doing this much, and I'm not even really doing that much. I'm just gonna keep on pushing until I'm rich. I'm so tired of all this sitting around with my friends laughing/crying about how we got this way. I want to be rich, successful, idk something better than this.

Getting rich, getting outtt, getting shit doneeeeee!

Oh yeah and the good wife was fantastic last night. I'd say that I've never loved a tv show this much but its not truee! But this is the oldest and stablest I've been while loving a tv show so much!
Sooooo I'm outta highschool and into the working life. Gonna work on getting my diploma in some sort of weird slightly embarrassing way in september. I'm working at a bilingual daycare, kind of. Its okay..I guess I overestimated how much I like kids? I mean I like kids don't get me wrong. Just not nearly as much as I thought I did...or even that much to be honest hahahaa. A week into working I got really really sick. I did my usual thing of chilling at home, smoking weed waiting to heal more or less and it kind of worked for a little... Until I got fucking tonsillitis..Its the grossest shit. I can't swallow, I've been eating raw ginger and drinking honey and lemon all day, and doing warm saltwater gargles which is disgusting, but atleast its more or less effective. I am the sort of girl who comes down with ridiculous colds in the middle of the summer..and they never go away. Fuck me. The daycares been really understanding about it though, which is nice. I mean I'm contagious so I guess they have to be though.

I'm soooo bored with life lately. I'm just waiting for something exciting to happen. I mean my life has been such a shitfest lately I figure its going to happen soon... Maybe I'll come into some cash or I don't know but I just feel like my life has been such a joke for so fucking long that I really deserve something nice. Oooh maybe I'll make friends with a straight guy..thats always been a goal of mine. One who isn't a freak. A rich man to marry? One who wears three piece suits and doesn't mind that I don't like to work. Some 60's shit, cause lets be real there isn't much to stifle in me.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Everythings gonna be okay.

We're nothing but a sham it seems

I feel like I treat people with more respect then I should. But maybe I'm just thinking too highly of myself, I have gotten very holier than thou lately. I'm just a little tired of everything. I've been feeling really old and young lately. Like...I'm too old to pull so much shit but at the same time I'm too young to pull so much shit haha. I've pulled myself together more or less lately. Its amazing how much time changes things, huh? But then again, by more or less I actually mean more or less.

Whenever I'm unsatisfied with something I feel this incredible urge to leave everything and dip. As if moving somewhere would make everything about my life better. It lacks in logic but it always seems like the perfect thing to do at the time. Everyones been making their facebook status about getting into college. It sucks less than I thought it would, but not by much. Its like for some reason even though I fucked up my whole life I don't really care. I mean honestly, what would I do in a legit college? I go to the most sympathetic school in the world and I can still barely get there.

My life is kind of a joke, but sometimes I look at everyone elses and realize it could be worse. I just think I put too much worth into people you know? Like, I don't know why I get so disappointed when people don't turn out the way I thought they would.

I'm just exhausted, there is no other word for it.

You big disgrace.

I wish I was shitfaced everyday man. Such an asshole thing to say but whatever. Getting drunk in the day is kind of symbolic of a problem but there is something beautiful about being blurry drunk and seeing the sun. I don't know. I've been making a half hearted effort to sober up. I haven't touched a drink in like eight days. Thats like three more days than average. I don't really view myself as a drunk even though a lot of people disagree, but sometimes I sit down and I'm like shit I need a fucking drink. Its just that I don't really have a lot of people I trust enough to talk to so its kinda nice to sit down and have a rum and coke and watch a rerun of that 70's show and be happy enough with that.

Anyhowwww I've been doing dopeski in school lately mostly cause why not you know? Its easier to do good in school than to do bad at this point. Like why the fuck not you know. I mean I'm not going to take a lot of credit cause its winthrop house and it doesn't really take a genius. Besides I was too much of a fuck up for too long.

I'm pretty unsatisfied with myself. I feel like I've made like some strides this year but I haven't improved enough. Basically I suck. I'm trying to improve. I feel like its hard for me to do more than one thing. I'm so sick of my sloppiness though.

I kind of only write in this shit when I'm feeling especially low so like, idk I swear to God I'm usually not even close to this pathetic.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I'm so fucking useless all the time.
Woke up at three o'clock in the morning next to my friend Joel on the floor. Woke him up and we stumbled home. Literally have no recollection of the night before. I'm a big fan of new years, I'm all about new starts. I always tell myself "Oh, I'm going to do better this year, you can do this shit." Its never gonna happen but its nice to hope. 2009 was crazy.. I mean, 2008 was too. I don't know. 2009 wasn't really my craziest year like I was fucking crazy but I toned it down torwards the end of the year. Like 2008 I was just straight up psycho. I look back on it and I'm like "Oh, you freaking idiot." I think its kind of important to go crazy once, just to feel the relief of not being a psycho and realizing that you're strong enough to let shit go. I'm really excited about 2010, my best friend is coming back home, I'm looking fresher than ever, I'm not fucked up everyday. I'm not really anything special but I feel like I made some good steps this year.

So like a month or two ago I saw Milk. I know I'm mad late. Yo that movie was fresh, I liked it a lottttttt. I mean everyone knows I'm down for the gays haha. I'm normally not attracted to Emile Hirsch but holy shit he was BANGING in this movie, like I was tripping dude. He was so fucking hot. His like stupid curly hair and his like cocky swagger. Like he was a total queen but like, I don't care. I wish Emile would like keep his hair and shit like that he was soooo cute! It was like the 70's and he was wearing shit that people were wearing now. I kind of dig the whole grimy hipster look on dudes, like not really to get with but its fun to look at.

Soo I was never really that into that 70's show. Like, I always liked it but you know it was never a big deal. Now I'm so fucking obsessed with that show. I truly think its sooo underrated, I know it had mad seasons and whatever but nobody says their favorite show is that 70's show but its SO GOOD. I never realized how good it was until I started watching every episode and its just really great. They nail that whole I'm a slacker teenager and I just chill anywhere warm with a TV and I'm bored all the time thing. Also I think Ashton Kutcher did an amazing job with the role of Kelso. He should have won an emmy. The more I watched the more impressed I was. This motherfucker is good yo. Same with Jackie, Mila Kunis did a good ass job. I think they were all pretty excellent actually. Its just a really good show imo. I mean the last season sucked but that goes for every sitcom. Eric and Donna were so great, it made me wish for some sort of cute highschool relationship to look back on. Jackie and Hyde were my favorites though, cause I love all relationships where the people sort of hate eachother but just can't help liking them at the same time. Something about that show, its just so sweet. Sometimes I watch TV and it makes me feel feel so weird, like why can't I be as charming as Jim on The Office?! But when I watch that 70's show I'm just like awwww how cute.

I don't know I'm kind of all over the place today. I'm just like mad hungover and its late and ughhhhhhhhh. I'm a fucking mess. Next year is going to be sloppy. I will legit have no fucking friends it gonna be the saddest year of my life. I want to go shopping but I'm too poor. Oh well, oh well.

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